Spirituality
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Spirituality in recovery is often communicated in a way that can be hard for the newcomer to grasp. I’ve found it’s communicated most appropriately in twelve step meetings. Often, however, it’s explanation is riddled with unnecessary ideology that can be divisive.
What needs to be understood by addicts and alcoholics beginning this journey: there are principles, rules, guidelines, schedules, truths, philosophies, groups, ideas and more which can be followed that will 100% lead you to a better life. This is literally what step two is: coming to believe that something could restore us to sanity. Because God can be such a touchy subject with many of us - the twelve step tribe has learned ways to approach god that is more gentle to the newcomer. These ideas include the following:
GOD = group of drunks (specifically an AA meeting)
GOD = good orderly direction
GOD = A power greater than you.
These ideas aren’t anything profound, but something early AA’s learned was important:Do not throw God at these people. Early on for me, being a young dumb junkie who thought he was smart, I was a casual critic of religion. If religion was shoved down my throat early on who knows what would have happened.
In any event, I remember the exact moment when I completed step two. I was in treatment. On Tuesday and Thursday night an AA group, “ We Are Not Saints” would come in and do a panel. Each member would discuss his/her story describe where they were before, where they are now, and how they did it. I found, early on, that this seemed to be the only time I didn’t want to get high. The classes during the day were okay, the community in treatment was okay, the clinicians did their job but none led me to any profound realization. For some reason though, these four to five people just like me could talk in a way that made me not want to get high.
Wait a minute, I couldn’t talk in a way that led me to not wanting to get high..
Clearly then, that means these people are a power greater than me.. aha! I figured it out. No God required. Step two, complete! I thought I was smart, I came to find out later that meetings are a normal “power greater than yourself” early on. In any event, it worked for me. This, precisely, is Bill and Bob’s greatest discovery and why Alcoholics Anonymous regularly ends up on Most Important Books lists: the power of conversation. Talking to another alcoholic either resets our own perspective, or builds belief in them. It’s an act of switching our focus from our problems to another’s in order to feel differently, and it works!
I graduated treatment and attended nearly two meetings a day for three years. My entire world would become Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, that group that came into treatment ended up being my home group. I would say this was a requirement for my success in recovery. I am just not quite sure how I would have made it without the support of this group. I found people who were willing to help me and I believed they could simply because I completed stay two. Who knew, my life improved when I took advice from the people who cared about me. I made it back to a place where I could afford to live and wasn’t in some kind of pain. It made sense too! All I did was flood my psyche with their cliches and attempt to live according to them:
One day at a time - I remember thinking everyone lives one day at a time. The problem is there is a difference between knowing and acting. I knew I had to live one day at a time but I acted as if I could control the future and past. To conceptualize it better: regrets keep focus on past, fears keep focus on future. Not being gripped by regret and fear by remaining present, I’m more able to take correct action today - because I’m focused on all I can control. More on this in Master Your Day, Not Your life.
If you cant help someone, at least don’t hurt them - This one was one of my first sponsors go-to. It simplified everything for me. It was a truth to live by, and it only suggested I control what’s within my control. When I stop hurting people I stop making deposits in my regret bank. These leads to better future more ability to be present and guess what? A good social circle not fraught with manipulation and deception. The benefits of this are endless. More on the article on Environment.
Anger destroys the vessel that carries it - I hear old Don in my head saying this every time I get angry. It’s the truth. Anger is energy trying to be communicated. If not communicated appropriately, it will hurt you - not the person you are upset with.
First things first - You have deal with problems accordingly. You cant go try and get your job back before you’ve gotten clean. You can’t go make amends if you’re continuing with shitty behavior. Being an alcoholic and addict leads you to worrying about all the steps to solve a problem instead of one at a time. We make life more difficult than it needs to be because complications make us feel important, and different than others. The problem is, everyone has problems and the only way we are going to solve them is handling one at a time.
These cliches are truth in life. The more you are around people spreading truth love and positivity, the more your psyche wraps around truth love and positivity leaving you more likely to act in accordance with these truths. Unfortunately, the opposite is true as well. Coming from the environments we came from, around the people we were around, we can understand how much they influenced our behavior.
Having a process or program that ensures you have ways to make decisions not simply based on your past is the necessity of spirituality. The definition of spiritual is “of or relating to the non material”. Meaning, to live a spiritual life, you have to live according to something. Addicts and alcoholics live according to feelings. You have to live according to something more stable, not blown around by the winds of perception or desire.
As you grow in recovery, be careful not to get locked into certain perspectives.
Early in recovery, you tend to find groups and people within those groups to latch onto. Much of our spirituality comes from the program and those we latch onto. Unfortunately, those we connect with are human as well. I have found myself disgusted by sponsors I once looked up to, leading me to re analyzing what they taught me and why. It’s through this process that led me to an idea that Jung discussed: Do not compare, do not measure, no other way is like yours. All other ways deceive and tempt you. You must fulfill the way that is within you.
I love this quote because it helped me take a step back from those I latched onto early on. While what they gave me helped me tremendously, I found my intentions were off and most of what I did was in expectation of something else. This hurt me when I got to a point in my life where I really needed to voluntarily challenge myself for the sake of becoming, rather than doing what someone suggested of me so that I may end up with a life somewhat like what I perceive theirs to be.
This allowed me to be more “in alignment” with myself. I’m not suggesting going off and doing this on your own by any means. What I’m suggesting is, while you do need to listen to others, is to get curious- I’ve found my own curiosity, unaffected by emotion or desire, has led me to more spirituality than anyone ever has.
Of course, if you grew up in a house where religion was important, you may have to grapple with long held beliefs that were forced onto you. You may find you need to move on from these beliefs, or successfully integrate them in your new life. No matter the event, if you are successful in changing you life it will be because you adopted new rules, morals, values, beliefs, or philosophies to live according to. These are all spiritual in nature. Be careful early on not to latch onto these new perspectives and become tribal. It’s common for the newcomer to find meetings, sobriety, and the twelve steps only to swear off all other avenues of spiritual enhancement. Many AA’s despise NA, and vice versa when they should be essentially the same thing. Buddhism is a common avenue these days. However, the discipline required is difficult for newcomers. Not being too attached to any tradition or idea is key in being able to see if parts of it work for your spiritual enhancement. You do not need to subscribe fully. I would advise against it. You may find meditation beneficial for your focus and memory, but prayer that you were taught as a child gives you comfort. You can do both. Unfortunately for many people, even entertaining different ideas of God, or spirituality is against what they believe. This is tribalism and won’t benefit your growth at all.
My point is this: human beings have been attempting to answer life’s greatest questions for millennia. Many of these attempts have been documented and are available to you for your curiosity. While your primary purpose is to remain sober, that goal is influenced by the desire to live a good life. I have the belief that if I’m living a good life, my innate desire to change the way I feel dissipates. This has led me to being fascinated by successful people, stoic philosophy, buddhist philosophy, tao philosophy, judaism, christianity, mindfulness, the science of habits, happiness, psychology, mythical stories, the hero’s journey and more. To me, all of these are spiritual in nature. I’ve adopted principles and lessons from each of these. They all help me. At the core of every single one of these philosophies are the same questions, and you’d be surprised how similar the answers are.
I do believe you can live your best life just by working the steps. However, the likelihood you do that is entirely contingent on the people with whom you are working the steps. Whether someone has been sober ___ years or not - some of us are still shitty and still influence shitty behavior.
I beg you to become curious about the questions you have in life. Too often I see people reach their goal of sobriety, only to fall back into patterns because they did not continue to seek truth. This is step eleven again. I mentioned it in the article on focus. Although there I was discussing it more in regards to meditation - the direction of the step is still there: to seek.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him.
Dedicating myself to answering life’s questions is an act of humility. I wouldn’t be doing it if I thought I already had the answers. To improve my conscious contact with God is to seek him. To seek him more successfully, I must understand him more. In order to understand him more, I might look to others who claimed to understand him. I still don’t have the answers. I certainly don’t claim to. What I do have is a lot of time spent seeking - and in doing that I’ve changed the way I’ve lived. I’ve broken down old beliefs that held me back, and built beliefs that serve me, all by understanding and acting as if there might be a God.
Before I got clean my life was acting on the idea that there probably isn’t.
We live like we drive.
I’d hate to take credit for this analogy, I think it’s originally Gary Vaynerchuck. It just applies to addicts and alcoholics so well it’d be a shame not to mention it. The idea is, when we drive we are just cruising, mostly on autopilot. You know, when you drive to work everyday, your brain decides it’s pointless to pay attention to the things you do everyday, so you end up rarely actually remembering your commutes to work. This is also how we live, as unconscious slaves to our habits - both good and bad.
Inevitably, a cop gets behind us. I dont know about you, but to this day, after seven years of never having anything illegal in my car, I still worry as if I do. This is mostly due to my amygdala’s training in the scenario. In any event, I lift my seat up, put my hands at good ole 10 oclock and 2 olcock, for some reason turn down the radio, go exactly the speed limit and drive as if I’m the best driver of all time.
Life does this too, you know. You get arrested and vow to never drink again. A relative dies and we refocus on healthy eating habits. An eviction notice forcing us to buckle down on finances. All of these things we already know we should be doing. Situations(cop getting behind us) are just forcing a healthy perspective we unfortunately don’t hold onto.
Why?
Because, the cop drives away, and eventually we are back to our shitty driving behavior - all while knowing there’s a better way to do it.
How’s that for spirituality? Why do you somehow already know what to do?
No matter what you do - the cop is going to get behind you again. You know this right?
Speaking of spirituality, religion, and stories, I’m sure you’ve heard of Noah’s Ark right? I like to think of this story a little less literally. The idea is that God told Noah a storm was coming. Noah prepared (built an ark) and he, his family, his community, and the world was better off because of it. In this interpretation the cop is the storm and he is coming. A storm is coming. Think of yourself, your life, and your actions. Why might a storm come? Fix what is announcing it needs repair. I know there’s some sort of storm coming in my life. Usually they are less hurricaney than they used to be, thank god. More will come though, I’m aware of that.
So I work on me. I control what I can control. I pay attention to money, my spending habits, and increase my financial literacy so that I can avoid any stupid avoidable debt, and increase my savings and investments leaving myself, family, and community better off in the future. I pay attention to my eating habits, exercise habits, and increase my physical fitness so that I can avoid any health issues, and increase my health, confidence, and influence on others leaving myself, family, and community better off in the future. I pay attention to my mental health, and decision making so that I can avoid impulsivity and mistakes, and maybe increase my future opportunities leaving myself, my family, and community better off because of it. Doing so, and this may sound grandiose, leaves the world better off in the end. And really, what’s more spiritual and meaningful than that?
Lastly, one thing I want to mention about spirituality. As I said, it’s of or related to the non-material. One important thing about spirituality is the fact that nearly all spiritual traditions follow one word more than any other. All spiritual traditions are inherently disciplined. So, any time you are working on increasing your discipline, whether it be by saving money or exercising, understand you are living spiritually. As Jocko Willink says: Discipline equals freedom.
