The Voluntary Imposition of Order
One addict’s question answered.
Addicts are transactional monsters. This can help us and hurt us. It helps us in that sometimes, when we want something, we go after it no matter until we get it. I’ve seen this true with addicts at work and in their personal lives. On the other hand, it sets us up for expectation. We have to be aware of doing things so that we will get ________.
I still help a lot of guys. Thank god, for me, former clients still want to talk. Normally, treatment centers have ethics forbidding this. While I understand the reasoning and still believe in it, I’m sure it leaves those clients who left their old relationships behind, and started building new ones in treatment, feeling alone when they didn’t need to. Fortunately, after seeing the benefits of a peer support group, many states have adopted peer programs that promote contact post treatment. Who knew? The twelve steps had a huge chunk of sobriety dead on: peer support. I did the training in my state and am a certified peer support specialist. Hell, even if I wasn’t, my plan A in life is to help addicts who still suffer. There is no plan B.
No matter the case, many ethics I do agree with, such as privacy, are incredibly strict in treatment centers, hospitals, and really any business involved with healthcare. This is largely due to HIPAA. Praise God! They can’t talk about us. Unfortunately, in addiction and recovery I think we could be missing out on an invaluable tool. Many lessons learned by addicts and alcoholics happen in private conversation. These are lessons that all addicts and alcoholics could benefit from. To see an “awakening” in another person, that is, the realization of something new or a solution, could increase our belief in our awakening.
Carl Rogers, famous psychotherapist, began filming therapy sessions with his clients in 1942. We’ve learned since then it’s a valuable tool in many different ways. As put in Carl Rogers, by Brian Thorne: “These [recordings] gave a vivid immediate picture of client’s attitudes and powerfully illustrated such topics as client resistance and changes in self -perception. They were also effective in highlighting the facilitative responses of therapists and in identifying the inhibiting behaviours which tended to halt or impede the therapeutic process. Their value in training of therapists proved inestimable and the process of supervision was enhanced beyond measure. It is no exaggeration to suggest that Rogers’ introduction of recording technology into the counseling room not only engendered whole new areas for research and training methodology but also paved the way for opening up therapeutic processes to public scrutiny to the immense benefit of many clients and would be clients.”
“I’m not messed up about my routine I have to maintain. It’s just utilizing my down time I need to work on more. "
By no means am I advocating for the filming of client sessions necessarily. Although I do think it would benefit addicts to film their progress - for their own sake, and other’s if they choose. What I do find odd, however, is how many therapists in my field have no idea who Carl Rogers is, and that we don’t tell more stories of clients “making it” - and maybe document their process of making it. Often, these aren’t discussed due to HIPAA(even though you could refrain from using names), or we don’t realize the potential of addicts telling stories to addicts. Let me tell you, after teaching in this field for six years, addicts listen to nearly no one, and if we are going to listen - it’s going to be to some other addict. Not a doctor, therapist, nonprofit CEO, or worksheet will get to us. What does seem to get through to us is other addicts having the same problems we have telling stories of how they solved it. This process is underutilized in treatment centers.
With that said, I got a text today. I’ve been working with a client who came through my treatment center multiple times in the past few years. He’s now graduated and probably getting close to three months sober. Our first assignment was coming up with what he cares about that he shouldn’t care about. Meaning, where was he investing energy(thoughts, actions) where he shouldn’t be investing energy. He told me he shouldn’t care about what people think because he can’t control that. I reminded him he should choose a few people and only care about what they think. He went on to say he shouldn’t put energy into worrying about what his job is because he needs to take any job, and just focus on sobriety, understanding the right job will come along. I agreed. He told me he shouldn’t put too much energy into worrying about the past, the future will fix it in time. I agreed. He came up with a great list that included a lot more but we wont get into that.
Next, he went on to choose the things he should care about. Meaning, what things should he be putting energy(thoughts, actions) into? If interested in this process, check out the article on energy & values. If not, long story short, if you have something you want to care more about, set up a daily goal to achieve that value. He took it slow and narrowed it down to three:
Fatherhood, goal: spend one quality hour with kids per day
Health, goal: ride bike to work
Freedom, goal: make it to work, keep job so you can pay bills, and stay sober to remain free.
I agreed this was a good start. A few weeks pass and he texts me: I’m not messed up about my routine (see above) I have to maintain.It’s just utilizing my down time more I need to work on more.
I replied with this shit storm wall of text:
What I suggested he do is voluntarily imposition of some sort of order in his life without expecting a return. We get paid to go to work. We get to keep our job by showing up to work. We get to feel like a good dad when we spend more time with our kids. We are doing all of these great things but almost transactionally. As I said, you become a product of what you go through, your environment. This is good in his situation! However, we also need to transcend our environment and voluntary choose to do something without a return. We need to become better simply to become better. But start small! five minutes is all you need to get yourself used to it. Sometimes that five minutes will turn into twenty. Sometimes the ten pages read requirement will turn into sixty. We must to make daily deposits that may not have a return for years. In doing so, our brain adapts. We become someone different. We become someone who is better able to do what is hard even when we really don’t want to. Don’t you think that may fortify your ability to not do something you really want to do? Isn’t that what we’re in the game for? Freedom from the things that pull the strings of our mind?
By imposing order in your life even though you don’t have to, you grow. Successful happy people didn’t become that way because they had to. Look around! Average is everywhere. It’s a slow asphyxiation, you can stay they same at average and no one will judge you. Successful happy people became that way because they chose to. They chose to do what is hard even though they may not have wanted to at the time. They chose to do what is hard even though the pay off wasn’t certain. And they chose to do what was hard long enough until it paid off. And because it paid off, they do it even more now. That’s why ideas such as the Matthew principle came to be: For to every one who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.
— Matthew 25:29
AKA, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer
Or, for the more secular, quotes like: If we took all the money from the rich and gave it to the poor the rich would have it back in a few years.
And whether the above is true or not, be it be by basic mechanism of economics, or successful people repeating successful behaviors, these ideas have rang true in traditions throughout the world for centuries.
Should you impose more order in your life? Listen it’s not fun, especially at first. A big problem with changing is we start to think negatively about what we are imposing on ourselves. We let a shitty attitude permeate the action. This fucks up the entire experience and is a damn good indicator if the new behavior is going to stick or not. You have to manage the way you think about the experience and remind yourself it’s good for you, and reflect positively on it. You have to “love the process” in order to win. Loving the process includes not judging yourself.
We have to play the long game, which is focusing and working on ourselves. This is seeking the ultimate win, instead of unconsciously focusing on day to day nonsense and distractions. This is what I think J.K Rowling was suggesting when writing Harry Potter and coming up with it’s game Quidditch. If you haven’t read the book, here’s a quick summary: Two teams flying around on broomsticks and one ball they try to throw into hoops to accumulate points in order to win. Here’s the twist: each team has one “seeker” whose sole purpose is to catch a little flying golden ball called the “Golden Snitch”. If said seeker catches this illusive ball, their team wins. It doesnt matter how much flying wizardry was used to score however many points. Game is over.
I don’t know why I like to think about it like this but it empowers me, and I think it’s what J.K Rowling was going for so fuck it. Most of the team flying around trying to score the ball are just average. They are trying to win the game of life but they play it in a stupid way: focused on everyone around them, “scores”, and things that don’t necessarily matter. The seeker you see, is focused on one thing. Winning. Unconcerned with the day to day nonsense the seeker has chosen the most meaningful, rewarding path. However, they don’t get rewarded each time they score like the other players. They aren’t always blessed with any sort of return on their actions. In fact, most of the time they go unnoticed. Until they win.
If you haven’t noticed, “winning” in this case is becoming the best you can become. Winning is self actualization, potential realized.
