Control
God, Grant Me the Serenity..
to accept the things I cant change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ahhh, the Serenity Prayer, probably the most recited prayer in the world of recovery. Early, I didn’t understood the importance of this prayer. To me, it was just something we said at the beginning of meetings but rarely discussed in depth. Once I began applying this lesson to my everyday life, it’s benefits became clear. It wasn’t until I found stoic philosophy and learned elementary basics neuroscience that I understood it’s a recipe for a happy life.
Originally, the serenity prayer was written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr around 1934. I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to learn spiritual traditions and philosophies around the world have been discussing this idea thousands of years prior. Who knew, humans benefit from understanding what is within their control and what isn’t. Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote of this idea in the second century:
We are responsible for some things, while there are others for which we cannot be held responsible. The former include our judgment, our impulse, our desire, aversion and our mental faculties in general; the latter include the body, material possessions, our reputation, status – in a word, anything not in our power to control. … [I]f you have the right idea about what really belongs to you and what does not, you will never be subject to force or hindrance, you will never blame or criticize anyone, and everything you do will be done willingly. You won’t have a single rival, no one to hurt you, because you will be proof against harm of any kind.
Epictetus was a slave. In fact, we aren’t really sure what his name actually was. Epictetus simply means “owned property”. You can imagine, in being a slave, how you’d be constantly reminded of how little control you have. Epictetus seemed to understand, even 2000 years ago, that if he focused on all the problems he had no control over he would suffer more than he had to. He somehow understood that he was only in control of his judgment, impulses, desires, aversions, and mental faculty. Therefore, he managed them relentlessly. If a quick judgment came to mind, he would remind himself he may not have the whole story, or be seeing all perspectives. If he became impulsive, he understood he was more likely to make mistakes. It was clear to him in averting pain and discomfort he simply created more pain and discomfort. Lastly, keeping a close watch on all these things assured his mental faculties remained in his control. He simply didn’t focus on other things, leaving room(energy) to control what was actual his to control. If he was using energy to attempt to control material possessions, reputation or status - he would be fighting a battle based on other people think, instead of how he thinks. In other words, you can’t work hard just for that promotion, because the asshole promoting you might be having a bad day and decide to promote some other dude. What you do, is focus on working hard with zero expectations as that’s all you have control over anyway. You can’t just save money to buy some possession as if that’s what’s going to make you happy, because we all know - no matter how much you want that thing, and how much you imagine it may make you happy, in the end, it won’t. Epictetus understood his desires instead of simply impulsively chasing them. He understood that desire was a sort of contract we make with ourselves. We think in a way, “I wont be happy until ________.” This sets us up to be unhappy. Even when we do enjoy our possessions, hedonic adaptation kicks in and we get used to it. We’ve all been there, super happy with our new car only two months later to be relentlessly focused only on the car payment and how bad it sucks. Epictetus simply understood desire and how it influenced our happiness and freedom.
You see, our desires are within our control. Whether we get them or not isn’t always up to us. We can work hard for months on end only to lose the promotion to a newcomer who talks football with your boss. Is it fair? No. Receiving that promotion is outside your control. What is within your control is your hard work without expectation. Do you want your partner to trust you again? That’s not within your control. It is within your control to act like someone more trustworthy. Do you want to make more money? That’s not always in your immediate control, but spending less is. Do you want your family to understand you and your suffering? Too bad. Try understanding their suffering - you may learn something about yourself.
Once you make the conscious effort to only control what is within your control, your psyche begins to organize around this idea. You must understand, we have been attempting to control the way we feel for years. Doing so often requires we act as if we can control others. hoping it changes this or that outcome in life and we get upset when it doesn’t go our way. All when we could have been changing something that is actually ours to change, such as:
Our mindset/attitude - our ability to be positive and patient is directly within our control. Doing so builds our “natural positivity” as it becomes a reinforced behavior over time. Patience builds as well as we feel less anxiety, and don’t expect as much playing the long game.
Work ethic - How hard you work is directly within your control. Often, we pay too much attention to others, taking the time and energy away from ourselves that we may need to prove ourselves.
The way we treat others - Kindness is basically a necessity in recovery. Sure, there are people who aren’t kind but are sober. They are dealing with unnecessary negative energy. We can always dislike. It may be our default mode. The problem is, it creates feelings within us that are engaging and sometimes righteous. These feelings are alluring in times this energy could be better spent on more productive things. Anger does not serve us, it hurts us. [1]
The content we consume - what we put in our mind creates our external being. The news constantly triggers the limbic system(involved with motivation, emotion, learning and memory). Stories of panic or negativity spur the release of cortisol (stress hormone), leaving us more stressed less able to think and act logically. On top of that, beyond voting, how much control do we actually have over the news we’re watching? What if we put good content in our head? What if we were constantly listening to people who have solved the problems we’re attempting to solve? If what we put in our mind creates our external being, how much could we change by simply changing what we put into our mind?
Health/Wellness - it is within our control to drink adequate water throughout the day, to sleep 7-8 hours, to exercise our body, and minds. Doing so will lead to less stress, more confidence, self esteem, and increase in overall ability.
It should go without saying, that while we do have control over these things, it’s not always complete control. You can exercise, have a perfect diet, never smoke and still get cancer. The point is, that you are controlling what’s yours to control, and the rest is out of your control. Make no mistake, to some degree, nature is conspiring against you. Naturally, some things are out of your control. Do not let that distract you from what is.
Epictetus was simply ahead of his time. He wasn’t a slave forever. I’m sure, because he knew what was within his control, he was able to learn from his teacher, and eventually run his own school of philosophy. Epictetus understood how the mind worked because he paid so much attention to his(something difficult in today’s world of distraction). He seemed to realize, that while we are born with tendencies to seek pleasure and avoid pain, adopting principles, or “rules” for the way we think and act can lead to the most pleasure with the least pain. Mark Manson summarized it brilliantly in Everything is Fucked:
CHILD ——> PLEASURE
ADOLESCENT ——> PRINCIPLES ——> PLEASURE
ADULT —> PRINCIPLES
We must follow the principle for the sake of following the principle, not for the pleasure. This is similar to what is discussed in the article The Voluntary Imposition of Order. Over time, your brain adapts to following the principle for the sake of the principle and that’s what makes us feel good. The pleasure will come as a result of living accordingly to what you can control. The principle is simply what you can control. Ever heard principles before personality? If you haven’t, you need to hit a meeting. The reason we say this is because acting according to principles is in our control, the personalities of others is not. Once this is applied to our life for a significant amount of time, we seem to become psychologically invincible, unfazed by the ups and downs of life.
Have you ever heard about the paradox of control? It’s basically, once we cease attempting to control is the moment we actually gain control. However, it’s not that we cease attempting to control all. The point is, when we stop trying to control everything, we understand more clearly what is actually ours to control. Epictetus also said:
We suffer because we attempt to control what is not within our control, or we neglect to control what is.
Sounds familiar? If I would have just stopped trying to control the way I felt, I would have been better able to process my emotions instead of block them up. This would have led to so much less suffering.
It wasn’t just the stoics though. This sentiment is found in so many traditions. Of course, Buddhist manuscripts speak of this, as well as Jewish tradition. I honestly don’t even care to look for more as I’m damn sure throughout all religions and spiritual traditions this sentiment is echoed in one way or another. Humans have spent a great deal of time learning how to suffer less, much of this is written down.
We must have some way to organize our psyche. We need to know what we should care about and what we shouldn’t, not simply what we care about and what we don’t. We’ve built programs in our mind to care about certain things and not others so as to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, clearly, these programs no longer serve us and we have to consciously change. If you do end up successful and happy, it will be because you controlled you and your mind, nothing else.
This used to hang outside my office at the treatment center I worked at. It also hangs in multiple places within my home. Attitude is one of the most controllable aspects of yourself. Controlling your attitude will change your life.
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